The Finally Healed Podcast with Jessica Lundy

You Deserve Love Too Sis | S2 Ep2

• Jessica Lundy • Season 2 • Episode 2

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Welcome to Episode 2 of The Finally Healed Podcast with Jessica Lundy!
In this powerful and heartfelt conversation, Jessica sits down with the amazing Shirley Austin—a renowned wife, mom, and marriage coach who has spent nearly three decades perfecting the art of love, healing, and self-discovery. Get ready for raw honesty, inspiration, and actionable advice, whether you’re single, dating, married, or somewhere in between!

Episode Highlights:

Why self-awareness and self-respect come before self-love

How your childhood and early experiences shape the way you give and receive love

The difference between fighting for a relationship as a dating couple versus a married couple

The power of women’s voices—and how so many of us learn to silence ourselves (and how to reclaim your voice!)

Strategies for authentic communication and why it’s crucial for healing and healthy relationships

Why pain is inevitable…but also grows you if you let it

Whether you’re looking for motivation to heal your heart, communicate better, or deepen your relationships, this episode will leave you empowered and ready to take the next step.

Connect with Shirley:
Instagram & TikTok: @MarriageInc
Website: www.marriageinc.us

Follow Jessica:
Instagram: @finallyhealedpod
@jessicalundytv

If this episode spoke to you, don’t forget to:
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Remember: You deserve to heal. Don’t wait—start your journey today!

Before you go, make sure you download the Belief Blueprint. It is the perfect companion to Season 2, giving you a clear framework to strengthen your confidence, rebuild your self-belief, and stay grounded as you grow. It is completely free and linked below, so grab it and start your next step today.

https://bit.ly/thebeliefblueprint

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Jessica Lundy

Connect with Jessica on Instagram @jessicalundytv and follow the Podcast @FinallyHealedPod.

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Jessica Lundy:

How do you not lose yourself in being married for three decades?

Shirley Austin:

The key is finding your way back.

Jessica Lundy:

Yeah.

Shirley Austin:

Because we evolve, we become different people along the way. And along the way, sometimes we lose ourselves depending on what season we are in. When I found myself in an affair, I found out in a traumatic way that they were not my parents. We already come in wounded, right? With our own baggage. Then we're trying to become one with someone who has their own baggage. But who taught us that? Who taught us that pain is going to be a part of your life? We've experienced pain, but we've not been taught that. It's okay. You'll get through it. Let the world feel the way of who you are and let them deal with it.

Jessica Lundy:

Welcome to the Finally Held Podcast, where we prioritize mental health, self-care, and embracing our healing journey together. I am your host, Jessica Lundy, and let me tell you, I need you to stop everything you're doing because the guests that I have today, oh, look, you need to take an inhale and exhale. Because she's about to direct your whole life, like get your tissues ready. Like I don't know what God is gonna do, but I know he is going to show up and show out because I only bring the best of the best humans. Y'all, I was almost about to say the best of the best experts, but the best of the best humans, like God's favorite daughters, like when I think about the guest that we have today, yes, she is a wife and yes, she is a mother. But when I tell you she was put on this earth to change lives, to disrupt spirits, to call you out and with a smile on your face. Like when I tell you who our guest is, you're gonna, you're gonna be jumping out of your chair, right? Because nine times out of ten, you were scrolling. Let me know, let me know in the comments. You were scrolling on social media and you were minding your business, and she said something, and it pierced you, and you were thinking about it the rest of the day. Please help me welcome the one, the only Shirley Austin.

Shirley Austin:

What a great introduction. Thank you. Thank you for having me, man. I'm excited to be here.

Jessica Lundy:

Yes, we we are so excited, so honored, and so grateful for your continuous obedience to say the things that sometimes we're thinking, like you're not afraid to say them out loud. So you've been married 28 years. Yes, man. Together 30 years, two beautiful children that are not grown sons, right? But they still your babies. Okay. So before, and I love it, this this episode is really to the woman who feels like, man, love has done her wrong. I think when we think about love, we think about basic needs, right? Like shelter and food and safety, like love is a part, like belonging, like that is a part of who we are as humans. But sometimes, whether it's relationships, friendships, family members, like people have done us wrong, that it can leave scars that take us forever to heal.

Shirley Austin:

Absolutely.

Jessica Lundy:

So when I think of somebody with the weight of, you know, sometimes we hear our titles, we're married 28 years, all these accolades. But when I hear together for three decades, like I hear a lot of healing, right? So, one, how do you not lose yourself in being married for three decades? Like, like literally identifying as one, right? For such a long time. And then having grown children, identifying as a mother, like how do you not lose yourself in the midst of all of that?

Shirley Austin:

It's so interesting. I don't know if you can't, right? Yeah. Um the the key is finding your way back.

Speaker:

Yeah.

Shirley Austin:

Because we evolve in our, you know, when if you're together 30 years, there's a lot of evolving, there's a lot of transitioning, a lot of growing. And so we become different people along the way. And along the way, sometimes we lose ourselves depending on what season we are in. And so the thing is just being so self-aware.

Speaker:

Yeah.

Shirley Austin:

And let me tell you something there are going to be seasons in your life where you can't touch self-awareness, you can't see self-awareness, you can't feel self-awareness. All you can do is just get through this moment. Not even get through the day, get through this moment. And as women, a lot of times, what I have come to realize is when we don't get through the moment, we beat ourselves up. And that's why self-awareness is so important. Because we already come in wounded, right? Right? With our own baggage.

Speaker:

Yeah. Yeah.

Shirley Austin:

Then we're trying to become one with someone who has their own baggage. Yeah. And we're trying to manage all this, but then as we're become we're becoming one, we're creating more baggage. And the narratives that's created as we are on this journey, many times as women, we are tearing ourselves down. We are breaking ourselves down. And that's when we begin to lose ourselves because we don't give ourselves enough grace to say this really is what life is about. Right, yeah. But who taught us that? Who taught us that pain is going to be a part of your life? We've experienced pain.

Jessica Lundy:

Yeah.

Shirley Austin:

But we've not been taught that it's okay. You'll get through it. This is how you get through it. This is what the journey could look like. This is how you develop your own journey through pain. Right? So, you know, to say, because I don't want to give the perception that there's something you can do to not get lost.

Jessica Lundy:

Yeah, yeah.

Shirley Austin:

Especially when we're in this long term. Right. But I do want you to be able to look at yourself and say, if I'm intentional about my self-awareness, I can catch it so that I don't add on more damage to what all the stuff that's already here.

Jessica Lundy:

Yeah. You said something so good a second ago. You said if I'm in this long term, in a society we live in, where even though some things are supposed to be long-term, like marriage, careers, in this instant society, some of the long-term stuff, sometimes seem a little short-term. You know what I mean? So, how do you make that commitment to stay long-term when the challenges arise? One of the things I love about you, you are beyond transparent. You're like, we didn't went through all of the vows, right? So when those real life situations and circumstances happen in relationships, whether somebody's dating, right, and they're and they're serious, or whether they're married, like, how do you fight when things are so rough and so challenging?

Shirley Austin:

You know, you fight differently when you're dating than when you're married.

Jessica Lundy:

Talk about it, talk about it.

Shirley Austin:

Talk about it as when it's too much fight in your dating, right? You need to release that. Yeah. You need to let that go.

Jessica Lundy:

Um sit there for a minute because I feel like there's a woman watching this that is in a toxic relationship and she's like waiting for. I need to sign. You know, people be, you know how we be praying. I just sign, I need to sign from God to tell me to. But when when does enough feel like enough when you're dating?

Shirley Austin:

You know, Jess, I have seen so many people stay in these toxic relationships as if it's never enough. Right? We have this thing where we believe that it's it'll be different with me. Um, I can fix you.

Speaker:

Yeah.

Shirley Austin:

And the reality is we are not fixed. Healthy only attracts healthy. Unhealthy only attracts unhealthy. So if you're dealing with somebody unhealthy, when you talk to people who are dating, nine times out of ten, they will talk to you as if that person's unhealthy and they are healthy. Of course. And that is not the case. And so I would say to the young lady, if you're dealing with unhealthy, I now need you to look into the mirror. Because there's something about you that is actively choosing this unhealthy. And something in your brain is saying, Oh, I can change this unhealthy. Why would you want to change this unhealthy?

Speaker:

Yeah.

Shirley Austin:

Do you want a relationship or do you want a project? Because right now, this is a project.

Speaker:

Yeah.

Shirley Austin:

And so it's just, I'm always going to stand on self-awareness. 100%. I'm always going to stand on that. Because if you do not have self-awareness, your life is in shambles in every area, in every way.

Jessica Lundy:

So how do you achieve that? Because I feel like a lot of people operate from a place of delusion. So if you've been delusional for a long time, like how do you wake up and be like, I'm going to become self-aware? Like, I feel like there's steps, there's a process to that awareness.

Shirley Austin:

You know, so interesting. You talk about um love, there was a movement back in the 2000s of loving yourself, like right. This whole thing, this whole campaign. And I used to coach from the standpoint of, man, sis, you need to love yourself. And it's so funny because I realized that even though my clients were growing and and healing, they were just, it was just something missing. Yeah. And the Holy Spirit said to me, Jess, they cannot love themselves because they do not respect themselves. Wow. So we're putting the cart before the horse. We're telling people to love themselves. But think about it. Think about the people that you love. Think about the people that you respect. When you respect them, you love them exponentially more.

Speaker:

Yeah, yeah.

Shirley Austin:

Right? It's the same with ourselves. And so then I said, okay, Holy Spirit, so what is it that I need to respect myself? Look at the decisions that you make. When you're not making good, healthy decisions, decisions that help you thrive in all areas of your life, decisions that benefit you and benefit others, when you're not pouring into other people and you're not people focused. Let me tell you something. You don't make these good decisions, you don't respect yourself. You don't respect yourself, you don't love yourself. It is a domino effect. And so when I look, see, we dealt with infidelity and all the things. Like you said, we done touch the vows. And when I go back and I say, How did I get here? How did I make that decision? Yeah. It wasn't just because I didn't love myself. I started making bad decisions when I started pushing away the healthy friends, right? The community. Right, yeah. They're still my community to this day, but I started pushing them away because I started being interested in my coworkers. They were clubbing and doing all the things and right. And so as we're spending more and more time together, I got caught up in that. An unhealthy decision. Started having conversations I should not have, an unhealthy decision. I started not um protecting my eye gate, my ear gate, unhealthy decisions, right? So then when I found myself in an affair, I'm not respecting myself. How can I respect myself? So I'm not loving myself, right? So that self-awareness is being brutally honest with yourself. What is missing? What am I trying to fulfill? That was the next question I had to ask. Well, what would make me make bad decisions?

Jessica Lundy:

Yeah, that's good.

Shirley Austin:

Why would I push away from my healthy community? I was trying to fill these voids. I was trying to numb the pain instead of, right? We talked earlier about running from the pain, instead of sitting there facing it, saying, okay, God, I need you to show me what is going on. What what's the void that I'm that I'm wanting to fill?

Jessica Lundy:

I didn't do that.

Speaker:

Yeah.

Jessica Lundy:

And then releasing it. And right, because once you're aware, right, you sit in it, there's an awareness there, but there also has to be a release. Has to be. Because if you don't, it'll just stay with you, right? And it'll become a third wheel in your relationship, you know, if it if it's not dealt with properly. So how does your childhood, your upbringing, like, how does that all involve? Like I remember when my husband and I were getting ready to get married, and my husband and my pastor said, I just want to let you know you're gonna be at a deficit in this marriage. So I'm like, first of all, thank you for your honesty. But you have to unpack that a little bit more, okay? Because if I'm gonna be, I was starting with a deficit, let me know. He said, Your husband grew up in a household. His parents have been married, you know what I mean, their whole his whole life. You grow up single mother, she gave you everything, but you don't know what it looks like for a woman to submit to, you don't even know what that relationship looks like, you don't know what it looks like to observe healthy, fighting, toxic, you don't just know what that looks like. I was grateful for that awareness because I would have had to just figure that out on my own. And so when we think about like how our childhood, whether it was amazing or whether it was deficient, like how does that affect how we experience love and how we show up in relationships?

Shirley Austin:

Everything. It's it's everything. That is the root, right? So many times we're dealing with the fruit, but we have to get to the root, and the root, it is our childhood. There's a um, I believe he is a psychiatrist, um, Dan Siegel, and he talks about the four S's being soothed, seen, secure, and safe. And every human being that is born, we are fighting for these four S's only up until about the age of 13, 14. And what happens is once we turn 13, 14, it's not that we don't fight for it anymore. We just know where we stand as it pertains to these things. In our mind, we say, I've been fighting to be soothed and it's not happened. I've been fighting to be seen and it's not happened, right? And so just being aware of these internal fights and struggles that we have and how it plays out, it is so important, right? I can look back at my life. My mother, she was a teen, had me, had my brother before me. So now she has two kids, she's a teenager, she puts me in foster care, she keeps me for a bit, but then puts me in foster care. That's my first experience with grief. Wow. Like we don't even, like, we don't even think about these things. Yeah. You understand? When kids go into when kids go into child care, that is their first experience with grief. Wow. Now I'm not trying to make parents feel bad for for going to work. Yeah, yeah. But but let me tell you something. Yeah, that's their first experience with grief. Yeah, that's why they're crying.

Jessica Lundy:

Because let me let me talk about that real quick. Mm-hmm. Because I, you know, my husband and I, we waited, we were eight, eight years, and everybody, everybody's different. Like, I don't want anybody to feel it's a type of way. But I was like, God, I want to do this your perfect way, right? So we were married eight years, had a child, you know, obviously, she knows she has a whole bunch of medical challenges, stuff like that. But my desire was to homeschool her. My desire is for her to never go to daycare. My desire is the people that watch her like praying women that I know and trust and protect. And I asked God, like, why is so much protection? Like, I was pregnant. And God said, protect her. And that's why we don't post her on social media, and that's why we don't, and sometimes people can think that's a little bit too much. But protection, I didn't ever realize until you just said that that I was protecting her from experiencing grief at such a young age, because I don't even know if kids are even supposed, can can even process grief. It can't at two or three, they wouldn't even have the emotional intelligence to be able to do that.

Shirley Austin:

They can't. But this is the interesting thing. Even though they can't process it, it's there and it's affecting how they move in life. Because there's there's there's a book that says talks about the body keeping score.

Speaker:

Yeah.

Shirley Austin:

So her brain, our children's brain may not remember. And listen, listen, women fight me on this. If you can't do it, you can't do it. Right, right. But but so many women can. Yeah. And I'm and I'm and I talk about it. I always ask this question. I say, okay, if you had to be someplace for eight to ten hours a day where you were loved on or where you were not loved on, which one would you choose? And you can only give me one answer. I don't want no fluff, I don't want no trying to pad nothing. Which one would you choose? Well, I wouldn't want to be loved on exactly.

Speaker:

Yeah.

Shirley Austin:

That's why we say, that's why you say you want to be at home with your child. That's why I stopped working and I was at home with my children, right? Because these things affect us long term. So when we talk about these four S's, yeah, now I'm going through my life dealing in relationship with people, not just with men, with my with my family members, with my girlfriends, with whatever relationships, with my coworkers. It's affecting every person that I'm dealing with because I'm saying, oh, you don't see me.

Jessica Lundy:

Yeah, yeah.

Shirley Austin:

They probably don't see me, right? But it's probably not the way that I'm saying it.

Jessica Lundy:

Right.

Shirley Austin:

You understand? But I've created the narrative because I've spent my first formative years trying to be seen, trying to be sued. So it's so important before we get into relationships to do the work to really understand how our childhood really did affect us. Because we're making some dodo decisions. Jess?

Speaker:

Yeah.

Shirley Austin:

You understand? We're hurting ourselves and we're hurting other people. And hurt always wants to be heard. Until you deal with that thing, people are going to keep hearing your hurt.

Jessica Lundy:

So this is so good. So you say you, this is like the meal that you're like, oh my God, this is this is that good. I love it. I want you to talk to the mother watching this. Because I think we can do some preventative work here too. You know, for the girl that has like a teenager and she's thinking about starting a date and like that. What advice can we give our young girls, our daughters that can prevent them, not necessarily prevent them from experiencing the pain and the heartbreak at the heart, like all of that, but for it to not debilitate us? Like some people, because of what they've experienced, they cannot move past. Like you'll talk to them and it'll be like a relationship they had 20 years ago, and they just can't move past that. Like, what of preventative advice can we teach our young girls?

Shirley Austin:

Man, that's so that's so broad. Um, so I can just share my experience, um, what what I had to say to myself. Yeah. Um, so to give y'all some background so you can understand, like your girl been through some stuff, right? So the the being in foster care, then a family um ended up taking me in at the age of nine. I found out in a traumatic way that they were not my parents. I was being teased that, oh, mommy Perry, that's my last thing. Mommy Perry's not your mother. And I was like, yes, she is. She's like, no, she's not. I was like, yes, she is. So I run in the house. I'm like, mommy, such and such said, You're not my mother. She never said a word, but the look on her face, girl, okay? Yeah. And so um at the age of nine, right? This is this is where Shirley stopped being Shirley. Like for real. Yeah. At the age of nine, that's where I began to turn into somebody else. Let me tell you something. You if you if you see a girl who's fast, she done been through something, appeal to her heart. Stop tearing her down about what she's wearing, stop tearing her down about her actions or her behavior, right? If anything, talk, listen, you want me to talk to the young girl? Yeah, open up your mouth and speak. Because that's what I didn't do.

Jessica Lundy:

Yeah.

Shirley Austin:

But I want to talk to the people who seeing this.

Jessica Lundy:

Yeah, talk to them.

Shirley Austin:

Because that's where the power is. That's true. The power is in us pulling them in and embracing them and saying, baby girl, I see you. Like, talk to me. What's going on? This is my story. You understand? That is what is so important. Because we keep talking to the young people, but we're raising these young people. And we're ignoring them when they're crying out. I uh um I was dealing with a family who came to me about their son.

Speaker:

Yeah.

Shirley Austin:

And Jess, I kept telling them, I I I know you believe that this young man is the problem, and he does have a problem. But you think I can fix him. What I'm what I can do, it's not sustainable if y'all, the parents, don't change. That's the root. So when we talk about all the issues in life, everything that we're dealing with, in our relationships, in our careers, and and whatever, we have to go to the root. And many people, we don't want to deal with the root. Because think about think about a tree and its roots. Try try pulling a tree uh the root of a tree. Right. Now think as a as a human being, that's a painful process. Right? So I would appeal to us, the community, yeah, and and the young lady, I would, I would say this, because I wish somebody would have said, I see you, baby girl. I see you. And so I encourage you, the young lady, gird up something in you. Like take these words that I'm saying. Go find a safe person. It can be a teacher, it could be your auntie, it could be your big cousin. Find a safe person and and talk. Don't be afraid to talk. A lot of us we've we've been quieted. I was quieted. I did not have a voice. I get into my marriage, I do not use my voice, and it has wreaked havoc and caused hell. And it was not until I began to really speak to the little girl, right, to stop tearing her down for the decision she made, and have my voice that my my life really began to change.

Jessica Lundy:

That's so good because not only do you see it happen in relationships, it happens when we get into our jobs, it happens when we're fighting, you know what I mean? And it's like, and I think that's one of the hardest things is once your voice, as somebody, you know, who works with speakers, I'm literally on a mission to help empower them to use their voice. But oftentimes, I probably say more than 50% of them that I coach tell me that their voice was stolen from them. And now that they're 40, 50, 60 years old, it took decades for that voice to be restored. Right? And I think that's why therapy isn't so important, unpacking stuff. You know what I mean? I tell people, especially women, we get so used to suppressing so long that we stay in a state of suppression that we forgot about some of the stuff. And that stuff comes up at the most inconvenient time when you're happy. I know for me that's how it was. You know, I got married, you're you're happy and you're love and all this stuff, and then all of these unprocessed feelings from your past, they show up at the most inconvenient time. What do you see? What do you think is the is the most convenient time to heal? Right now. Today.

Shirley Austin:

That's it. Because it's a choice, right? It is a choice, Jess. It is a choice, and it's not as painful as people like to make it. It really isn't. That's why perspective is important.

Speaker:

Yeah, right.

Shirley Austin:

So, yes, if you feel like, oh, it's going to be so painful, I want to avoid this, I don't want to feel this, absolutely. It's going to be the worst thing ever. You're you will dread it.

Speaker:

Yeah.

Shirley Austin:

But if you go into your healing with an open mind of, I I like to say, I like to explore.

Speaker:

Yeah.

Shirley Austin:

Like, let I want to explore what's in here. Yeah. Even if it hurts. Like, why wouldn't I want to know what it is? And then I can know when it comes up what to do with it.

Speaker:

Yeah.

Shirley Austin:

Like, you, you know what I'm saying? And listen, and maybe I'm weird, but I always say this this to people. I'm like, pain is just pain. I don't get it. Right. It's just pain. It's inevitable. Really. It's inevitable. And it's not like, oh, I love being in pain. No, I don't want to be in no more doggone pain. I've been in pain my life throughout my whole life. Yeah. But it ebbs and flows. It comes and it goes. And my perspective about it now is man, there are so many lessons that I've learned, and I only learned it through pain. Yeah. There's beauty in pain. There's joy in pain. Peace comes out of pain. Love comes out of pain. If you can change your perspective and look at pain from that lens, then perhaps you'd be more open to doing the work and doing it now.

Jessica Lundy:

Yeah. That's good. Do it now. Do it now.

Shirley Austin:

Do it now.

Jessica Lundy:

Do it today. Don't wait. Don't wait. Because every every day that you wait, it just makes things get so much work. And I and I can say this from my own relationship. And me and my husband are so grateful to you and your husband for you guys working with us in the strategy. We still think about all the strategies. I was about to do something about, ah, but I just said that surely said I should say that. Fan ain't got on me. Let me let me make them change. And what I love is y'all are almost like secret agents. Because some of people's favorite couples, you guys have influenced. You've shared your wisdom and knowledge. When they sat on your couch, whether virtually or in person, like talk about the weight of that. Because y'all don't just coach just anybody. You know what I'm saying? Like, I feel like a lot of leaders, a lot of very successful, a lot of people who carry a lot of weight that are very well respected, are clients of yours. And that comes with a certain responsibility because for a lot, especially like, especially in our community, people rooting for black love. You know what I'm saying? And being that expert that's championing so many relationships to make it, like, does that come with a weight at all?

Shirley Austin:

You know, a lot of people ask me that question. And the God's honest truth is it does not. And I had to think about that because I'm like, wow, people like people really like think like like I'm just like so heavy and burdened down because I'm carrying other people's burden. Yeah. I was created for this.

Jessica Lundy:

Yes.

Shirley Austin:

That's why it does not feel weighty.

Jessica Lundy:

Yeah.

Shirley Austin:

The only time it feels weighty is if I'm like, man, they don't get it. I can't help this couple. We can't help everybody. Sure. Right? Because we're just we're just the conduits of your healing, your growth.

Jessica Lundy:

Yeah.

Shirley Austin:

You have to do the work. For sure. And it doesn't matter what I say, if you're choosing not to do it, that saddens me.

Speaker:

Yeah.

Shirley Austin:

That right? But I don't I don't let that hold that, you know, that wait is just for a second. For sure. Because I'm like, that's your life and that's what you're choosing. And so I'm going to give my energy and continue to give my energy to the people who really want to grow and really want to heal. I love what I do. I literally can do this 24 7. Yeah. Shannon has to stop me. He's like, babe, babe. Like people, you know, people know. You can call me like, it's not, oh, you have. Pay me for it, even though I got the clients tell you the price is the price. But there are people on social media, I literally try to touch as many people as I can that reach out to us in our DMs. I literally do. People will tell you. Like, I wish there was a wall. It would be a wall, a sea of people. Yeah. Just one con. I'm like, if I could just give them one conversation and leave people with something. It's so so people are hurting. It's so much going on in people's minds, our mental and our emotional health. It is draining society. And I'm like, if God gave me this gift, why can't I try to help the people, even the ones who can't afford it, even the ones who, you know, whatever. Yeah. So no, it's not a weight. It's a joy.

Jessica Lundy:

It is a joy.

Shirley Austin:

You radiate.

Jessica Lundy:

You know what I mean? And being able to see you and your husband at some challenging times still showing up. Let's talk about that. Because I think sometimes people can look at you and know that you have a lot going on, you know, with your husband and his health and everything. I got a lot going on with my daughter and her health. But since we ain't dropped not one, we've been we've been seeing every three-pointer. Like, we have not dropped the ball. And I think people don't realize, like, that's why alignment and knowing your purpose. Like sometimes people are like, I don't know what my purpose is. Like, what could you do in the midst of the biggest storm? Like, how like what could you do when challenges arise? You know what I'm saying? Like, I tell people, like, I'm not working. Like, I'm literally helping people, encouraging people, getting people to their destiny. Like, I could do this no matter what the circumstances are. Like, and and my desire for for everyone watching this is to find that thing that ignites you, that that lids a fire under you, no matter what's happening.

Shirley Austin:

Yeah, and see, what I'm about to say, you'll understand because you've done it and you do it with your baby girl, with all that she's going through. You you just show up.

Speaker:

Yeah.

Shirley Austin:

My mother passed. I went to visit my mother, and it was supposed to be for a couple of weeks. I ended up staying with her for five months and being her caretaker. So I left Shannon for two weeks, ended up leaving him for five months, being her caretaker until the day she took her last breath. I was with that woman. After her funeral, the next day, got in a car, drove from New Jersey to Atlanta, and was on the stage at next level. People were like, Your mother just what can I do about it? Yeah. They problems not going away because my mother passed. They're paying, their marriage is not gonna just go on hold because my mother passed. Yeah. Like, just we we have to start seeing, like, perspective is so important, Jess. It is. Because I could have had the perspective of just sulking and how would I have benefited from that? Yeah, yeah, yeah. How would I have benefited from that? Have I grieved? Yes. Do I grieve? Yes. Yeah. But life goes on. And when we're here for others and we see our purpose and our mission, the assignment, God asked for us. No, man, this stuff, this stuff can't wait.

Jessica Lundy:

Yeah, that's true. You know, it's crazy. The same year is where Abigail had her surgery. She was, she was a week post-out surgery, impatient. She had she had just gotten her trach, and I was on stage. And it literally got off the stage from with a call. Like I get off the stage, go grab my phone, the phone's ringing. It's the surgeon giving me the update on how the surgery went. And my husband and I literally, after you know, meet and greeting everybody two to three hours later, because we're we've availed our spirit to help people, right? Like God has literally put us on this earth to give people like what they need. Yeah. Come into the hospital, forget that I'm all like glammed up in a gown, all the things. And the nurses are like, where did you come from? And I was just showing them pictures and they were like, this was today. And I'm like, well, it's like maybe like four hours ago. And they're like, you're still like, do you need a minute? And I'm like, no, no, no. Like, let's just you're my baby. You know what I mean? Like, here, hold her. Listen. Like, what I realized is if we don't keep showing up in the midst of everything going on, we will move further and further from our purpose, which is gonna lead to depression, which is gonna lead to like when you people, people, like we have to keep doing the things. Like I tell, I tell my team all the time, I'm like, listen, just because Abungil has a big surgery coming up, I'm like, please don't have an event or not put me on the roster or not, like, I'm gonna still keep showing up. Like, I'm graced to do all of this. Yes. If it was a burden, I would let people know. And I think that's the thing, and I want you to talk about that, the difference of doing things aligned to your purpose and saying yes to things that you're not graced to do.

Shirley Austin:

Your spirit feels it. Your spirit feels the difference. Because there were times where I'd say yes and I was uncomfortable.

Speaker:

Yeah.

Shirley Austin:

So I knew okay, that's that's not what God called me to. That's what somebody handed me and I was willing to take. But that's not what God handed me. And so nothing came from it. You you don't benefit from it. If anything, like you said, you go down a path of being stressed, right, depressed, irritated, frustrated. And so, you know, I just uh listen, I just encourage people to listen to your spirit. Your spirit will never leave you, lead you wrong. But you have to be in tune to the spirit to understand that you're hearing the spirit. That's why for me, just you know, my my foundation is is uh Christianity. I'm a I'm a believer of God the Father, Son, and the Holy Spirit. And everything that people see in me, whatever people think about me, that's good and positive. Come on. It is only because of the God that I serve. Yeah. Right. Everything that I'm saying right here, it's not because I read it in a book. It's not because somebody else told me, it's because I lived it, I went through it, I experienced it. It is because the Holy Spirit gave me the strength. Yeah, as God was whooping my tail.

Jessica Lundy:

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Shirley Austin:

Okay, because trust me, God was whooping my tail. Yeah. Because I continue to choose to not be in alignment.

Speaker:

Yeah.

Shirley Austin:

And so not being doing things outside of alignment with God, doing things outside of what I'm called to do, I've not seen any fruit from it. Yeah.

Jessica Lundy:

Same.

Shirley Austin:

And there are no roots. It's just like blowing in the wind.

Jessica Lundy:

That's good. So when you talk about like balancing all the different things or responsibilities we have, these seasons that are a little bit more challenging than others. I think communication is vital in relationships, right? When things are going good and when they're not going good, they're vital. What do you think are some strategies to kind of have these healthy conversations? Because I feel like sometimes when people are dealing with stuff in the relationship, they don't want to bother their significant, they don't want to bother their significant others, so they just keep everything in. So what do you think is the best way to either communicate what's going on or that they need support or they're not carrying the weight of everything by themselves?

Shirley Austin:

Um, again, this is why self-awareness is so important because a lot of that is trauma responses. Right? I don't wanna, I don't wanna, I don't wanna bother them. I don't wanna, what I have is too heavy. Yeah. All these things. Yeah. Just, man, being authentic, it is just is literally the best gift you could give yourself and you're the best gift you could give the world. That's true. Because when I'm authentic, I'll have a thought, I'll have a feeling, I'll have something I want to say to Jess, and I'll be like, hey, Jess, such and such and such and such. Right? Also, being able to read the room.

Speaker:

Yeah.

Shirley Austin:

If I see, because I'm I'm able to look at you and say, oh man, something's going on with Jess. Or Jess is moving around quickly or whatever the case may be, and I'll say, Hey, Jess, when you have the capacity, let me know. I'd like to right. So when it comes to communication, you you can do those things. You can say, hey, if if you don't know where your spouse is or where the person is, and because listen, that's one of the things we teach in our coaching, that timing, timing is everything. It ain't the time to have a conversation when when somebody's walking out the door. It's not the time to have the conversation when when their heart is is just not ready to receive. So ask the question. My my spiritual father, Kwame Ronnie Vanderhorst, shout out to him, one of the most brilliant people I've ever met in my life. I just gotta say this about him. Um, when I was 11 years old, um, I met him. He came to our church and did a week of prayer. And um I came home one evening after a week of prayer, and I said to my mother, I said, Mommy, I believe I just met Jesus. And she said, Who? She was like, What? And I said, Pastor Vanderhorse. And she literally had to, I was like 11, 12 years old. She literally had to explain to me, no, honey, that's that's not Jesus. He is a man of God. To this day, I I'm like, I don't know how you weren't like Enoch. And I say to say, get people in your life. Yes, he's my spiritual father. Yeah. It's because of him, one of the reasons why I'm spiritually grounded. Right? One of the reasons why I can understand that I'm I'm only here because of God, nothing else. But what was your question?

Jessica Lundy:

So we're talking about communications.

Shirley Austin:

Communication. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes. And so um and so one of the things he taught me was to be authentic. Yeah. Be honest. Share your heart. There's a quote by John Eldridge that says, Let the world feel the way of who you are and let them deal with it.

Jessica Lundy:

Oh, that's good.

Shirley Austin:

So when you want to tiptoe around people, when you're scared to share your heart, when you're scared to communicate, when you're stick when you're scared to let people know how you feel and where you are and what you want, when you're scared to say no, yeah, you need to say to yourself, self-talk.

Speaker:

Yeah, yeah.

Shirley Austin:

That's one of the things I teach my clients. Yeah, talk yourself off the ledge. Come back and say, you know what? This is how I feel. And it's okay. Let the world feel the way of who I am and let them deal with it. So, Jess, I was thinking such and such and such. Yeah, right. We're we we don't have enough courage to share thoughts that people think would be controversial or it may rub them the wrong way. You know, like what what are we here for, Jess? We literally have one life to live. At the end of your life, you're gonna look back and see how much you edit it yourself, and you will be filled with regrets because you've spent a life of editing yourself and not being authentic, not having the hard conversations, not having those conversations that yes, it will make somebody else feel uncomfortable. But this is my thing. If I hurt you through a conversation that I have and I'm sharing my heart, the fact that I hurt you, that was not my intent. What I said happened to hurt you. That's on you. That's not on me. Now, if I hurt you purposefully, that's a me issue. For sure. And even when it's on you, that doesn't mean that I can't help you help walk you through the pain. Right, yeah, yeah. And say, oh no, Jess, what I what I this is this is what I meant. This is where my heart was about whatever. And if you continue to hold on to the hurt, now you have to ask yourself, why am I holding on to the hurt? I guarantee you it's gonna go back to your trauma.

Speaker:

Yep.

Shirley Austin:

You understand? So I absolutely believe in communication. I've I've not communicated for so long. You can't get me to not communicate, you can't get me to not share my truth and to speak up.

Jessica Lundy:

And that's what I love about you. I didn't even realize it was it was being courageous. Do you know what I mean? Like, and you're right. We're do you feel like it's because of social media and more in a digital space and people not being as connected? Do you think that's allowed us to be less courageous and less brave? Or do you think that's something we've always dealt with?

Shirley Austin:

I think we have always dealt with it, and I think the social media and all that has added on to it exponentially. Yeah. Right? Because listen, there was no social media in the 70s, but I did grow up a childist to be seen and not heard. You understand? Yeah. That was our social media.

Speaker:

Yeah.

Shirley Austin:

Yeah. Right? That was our keep your mouth shut. Yeah. Wow. So this is so good.

Jessica Lundy:

This is so good. We're helping and healing some people. I pray so. Yeah, we are. What I love too about the way that you and your husband do the marriage coaching is it's not just about the couple. It's we're we're two individual people coming together, and you have your own book, and your husband has his own book. Can you guys talk about that? The reason why y'all did separate books as opposed to coming together and just doing one?

Shirley Austin:

Um, because there are challenges that men face and there are challenges that women face. And, you know, we're not monolithic in our challenges, but to a degree we are. Yeah. Right. And how women see things and how men see things, we could see the same thing, but have a different point of view. Right. And most of the men in the room will have will understand the point of view. Most of the women in the room will understand the women's point of view. And so I wrote a book for wives, right? Yeah. Shannon wrote a book for husbands, a wife's greatest gift, because I want to see. So the book that I'll talk about, my book, the book that I wrote, it is data from husbands who said, This is what is missing. This is what we're looking for in a woman, in a wife. This is what turns us off. This is what causes us to shut down. This is what makes us feel like you don't have my best interests at heart. And so it's the ABCs. I go from A to Z and I just break down the things that men have said that they that they need, that they desire, that they're looking for in a wife. And Shannon, his book isn't A to Z, but it does break down love and emotional intimacy and and just the faith and the belief and you know all the all the things that that a man a man needs.

Jessica Lundy:

So good. So one of my favorite segments of the podcast is called the healing moment. Because unless I like to give people some homework, right? This has been good and they're gonna have a lot to sit with as a result of this. But what do you think is one of the first things or a step that someone can take to really launch or sit with healing in their heart so that they can love again? Or love properly.

Shirley Austin:

To love properly, um so many things have come into my mind, but this one um rings out um discover what you need to uncover.

Jessica Lundy:

Say that again.

Shirley Austin:

Discover what you need to uncover. You have to go inward. That's the only place you can go. Do the work that that the excavation of that, sometimes it needs to be in a safe place. And I say sometimes because most of my work was actually outside of a counselor's office. I believe that it made it harder for me, so I don't suggest that, right? Because sometimes you have to go so deep that it can break you if you don't have a support there to help guide you the right way. But you absolutely need to go on a journey of uncovering all of this junk and baggage that you're carrying.

Jessica Lundy:

Yeah. So good. Well, I already know the people are gonna want to know more about you. They're gonna want to follow your journey and you and your husband. So let us know where we can stay in touch with you.

Shirley Austin:

Um on Instagram at whatever social, yeah. Okay, at Marriage Inc., marriageinc. Our website is www.marriageinc.us. And I'm on TikTok too, marriageinc.

Jessica Lundy:

Yeah, yeah. I heard you've been holding down over on the on TikTok. You know, but you're personal.

Shirley Austin:

Well, personal, uh, that that is our my tick to that is that's it. That's the only one.

Jessica Lundy:

Yeah, yeah, awesome. Well, thank you for just having this conversation. We've had so many amazing conversations privately in so many amazing locations, right? We took a pretty good light. Yeah, yes. Well, thank you for being here on the podcast. This means so much to me. And if you guys enjoyed this episode of the podcast, make sure you leave a review. Share this with your girl, share this with your friends because this episode was so potent. There will be something that everyone can take away from this. So make sure that you are a good friend and share the podcast, leave a review. Follow us on social media at Finally Heal Pod and at Jessica Lundy TV. Remember, you've got this and you deserve the healing.