The Shocking Truth About Your Closest Friends’ Influence | Ep 3

What if the secret to your healing journey lies in the people you spend the most time with? Have you ever considered that your closest relationships could either be your greatest assets or your biggest liabilities? On this episode of the Finally Healed podcast, hosted by Jessica Lundy, we unpack the profound impact social connections have on your mental health and well-being. Through a blend of personal reflection and practical advice, you'll learn to evaluate your friendships and decide which ones genuinely uplift you and promote your personal growth. Jessica challenges you to assess the value of your social circle, encouraging you to foster relationships that support your self-care goals and rid yourself of those that drain your energy.

Episode Highlights:

- Discover why you are the sum total of the five people you spend the most time with.

- Identify the difference between friends who are assets versus those who are liabilities.

- Learn practical tips for creating new, meaningful connections as an adult.

- Reflect on your current friendships and relationships with the asset/liability exercise.

Healing Moment Action Item: Create a list of your closest friends and by their name write if they are an asset to your life or a liability. Remember to be honest with yourself during this exercise. 

Listen to the full episode now and join our healing journey together!

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Jessica Lundy

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Transcript

Jessica Lundy: 0:00

You are the sum total of the five people that you spend the most time with. When you think about every time that you do something and you're not getting support, that person is just kind of bringing you down, making you feel exhausted. That's a liability, sis. They need to be removed from your life. As you're thinking about creating these new friendships, I want you to ask yourself what you can bring to the table that I can be that asset From that mindset. That is how you start to attract high quality people. Welcome to the Finally Healed with Jessica Lundy podcast, where we prioritize mental health self-care and embrace our healing journey together. Now, this podcast is going to be so good because we are talking about diversifying your friend groups, and that might not even be something that you knew you actually needed to do. When you look at your friends, I really want you to be honest with yourself. Do your friends encourage you Like? Do your friends cheer you on to succeed, or are your friends draining you and you leave their presence and you're wondering why am I still their friend? Are there certain relationships that you have in your life where you're wondering how have they made it past, season after season? Can I get an amen on that one. Right, there are certain people that do not need to be your friend in this season and where you are going next. So we're going to dive into all of that and more. But I want to talk about the importance of social support and what that looks like for you on your healing journey. When you think about the friends that you have, the relations, the romantic relationships that you are in as well, that is important to your healing journey. So when you think about self-care, when you think about your mental health and your wellbeing, a lot of that stuff is solo. That's things that you're doing by yourself, and you might not even realize that the people that are the closest to you have the biggest positive or negative effect on your mental health. See, you might have been feeling energetic and excited and ambitious prior to having a conversation with someone. So now, all of a sudden, you are feeling sad and depressed and low and you're like, where is that even coming from? Like I was actually having a good day, and so when I think about how the relationship in our life I mean, there is research around this and one of my favorite quotes is that you are the sum total of the five people that you spend the most time with. So I want you to think about those friendships that you have, the sum total of the five people that you spend the most time with. So I want you to think about those friendships that you have in your life. Think about the people that you either choose to be in your life or that are automatically added, meaning our family.

Jessica Lundy: 3:18

A lot of times, we can't change our family and we might wish you at times to add or replace a member. Okay, that's, yes, your business. I won't ask no questions. But when we think about the coworkers that we choose to spend time with at work, when we think about the friends that we call ourselves, the social organizations and memberships and the associations that we choose to be a part of, that is our choice, meaning you need to constantly be evaluating those relationships and figure out if they are an asset or or a liability. Now, when I think of asset, I think of something that is going to get better over time, meaning that relationship is evolving and is changing and you look up and it's like we have done so much stuff together, like I am better because of you.

Jessica Lundy: 4:10

That's what you want to be able to say about your friends, when you think about every time that you do something and you're not getting support, that person is just kind of bringing you down, making you feel exhausted. That's a liability, sis, and they need to be removed from your life. Now you might be in certain situations or circumstances, or they might even be your business partner and you're like how do I even have these conversations with people? So I think it comes out of clarity when you're trying to figure out what relationships are good for you or not. I want you to do that based on self-reflection and not emotion, meaning I want you to take a deeper look at the people that you're attracting into your life. Want you to take a deeper look at the people that you're attracting into your life. So a lot of people pick friends and it kind of ends up becoming a pattern, meaning you might be attracted to or connected to people that are go-getters.

Jessica Lundy: 5:09

You might be connected or attracted to people that always need to be rescued, and when I realized that I had a certain amount of friends in a season of my life where it felt like I was their caregiver or I was their babysitter or their life was so in my hands, I had to evaluate what was it in me that felt like I had to rescue people, and so sometimes it can be easier just to continue going throughout life, going through our relationships, without taking the time to properly evaluate whether they are a good fit or not. But when I took that time, I realized that I had to go back to therapy and heal from some of the stuff that I had suppressed. I realized that certain behaviors that I might have seen from my mom, that I might have seen from other family members, might have made me more susceptible to embracing these relationships, to taking on roles that I shouldn't be doing. So I want you to have an honest conversation with yourself and really identify these patterns of behavior, because, I promise you, it is much deeper than a friend not responding to a text, or it's much deeper than feeling triggered every time that you have a conversation with someone. Then, feeling triggered every time that you have a conversation with someone, that is a sign that we have to pay attention to. That is a red flag that we can't ignore.

Jessica Lundy: 6:43

So when you're thinking about these relationships, you might be thinking just how do I diversify my friendships? Like you might be in a season where you're like I. I'm feeling like I'm being moved in a different direction. I feel like I'm in a season of elevation. I'm feeling like I want these high level friends. Like where do I even find them? Like? How do I even put myself out there? Let's be honest, it's a little awkward making friends as an adult, but I need you to kind of have that boldness of a kindergartner that does not care about race, ethnicity, culture, background, how much money their parents make. They just want to be your friend because they have something in common. Right? They just trying to play on the sandbox and that's what we have in common, and so, if we can get back to why do we want to build additional relationships?

Jessica Lundy: 7:35

What are the activities that you like to do? I also encourage you to have hobbies. Like that can be a really good way to diversify your friend group. I'm planning on joining a golf community because I used to golf in high school and I'm wanting to get back into it and I saw that there's a new like wave of black women golfers and so I'm like I want to be a part of this movement. So I also know that that's going to be a great place to connect. It's going to be a great place to network. It's going to be a great place to meet like-minded people that are interested in a similar style of culture. That's important to me. So I want you to really look into that, because if I were to ask you, what are your hobbies? A lot of adults really struggle with that. You know, they think about their family time, they think about their work. They might say working out, but most people don't have an actual hobby, and that's something that you can have in common with other people. That's also going to help you diversify your friendships you can have in common with other people. That's also going to help you diversify your friendships.

Jessica Lundy: 8:45

I personally like to have friends from a variety of backgrounds, a variety of experiences, because what it does is it keeps you sharp and it reminds you how big the world is. When I was younger, I had friends that were so similar to me similar background, similar upbringing and so I saw the world from a very narrow view. But as I became more mature, as I put myself in the right rooms, as I continue to expose myself to different cultures, different experience and traveling more, now I had a lot to value to the friendship. So, as you're thinking about creating these new friendships. I want you to ask yourself what you can bring to the table. I don't want you to think about this as a situation where you're like, oh, I got, you know, a relationship that I can now take from. I want you to think about this is a new relationship that I can serve, that I can be a blessing to, that. I can be that asset when you go into relationships, friendships, partnerships, anything like that, from that mindset, that is how you start to attract high quality people that are interested in building something so special and potent together.

Jessica Lundy: 9:59

And then you also want to ask people like where they're at on their healing journey, because there have been certain people that I have met in specific seasons and because of what they're dealing with, whether that was maybe even something traumatic that just happened to them. They let me know it wasn't a good season for us to try to build a relationship, because it wasn't going to be stable, that they would kind of check in with me once they got secure. And so I think that's important, especially as adults, for us to be so honest with people on what our time expectation is, what we can actually handle. I'd rather someone be upfront and say, listen, my schedule is actually handle. I'd rather someone be up front and say, listen, my schedule is super busy. I might only be able to check in with you once a month, then you're able to know your expectations, but I think once you establish those, that makes it a lot easier. So I'm encouraging you to get out. I'm encouraging you to connect. I'm encouraging you to actually go to networking events, even if you call yourself an introvert, and it can be a little bit challenging to meet new people. If you focus on meeting one person a quarter, that is four quality relationships that you have established that year. I know you can do it and it's going to be valuable.

Jessica Lundy: 11:19

Now, if you've had some relationships that have not worked out that well in the past, I don't want you to say you know, listen, no new friends. Okay. I want you to come from a healed place where you're constantly being willing to let people in your life let's take it deeper. You're willing. I want you to be willing to let people love you, to let people show you love, to let people show you kindness, to let people show you love, because a lot of people have a lot of love to give and I know you have a lot of love to give as well.

Jessica Lundy: 11:52

So when I think about our healing moment for today, this is actually an exercise that I use with my speaking clients when I'm speaking in schools and colleges and corporations, and so I want you to make an asset or a liability list, meaning I want you to make a list of all of your friends, all of the relationships you have, and I want you to be brutally honest and say put a plus if that person is an asset, put a minus if that person is a liability. I don't want you to do this from a place of being emotional. I want you just to be purely honest on the type of value that they have added to your relationship and from there, if someone is an asset that allows you to know I might need to spend some more time with them, to become closer to them, because they are adding to my life. As someone is a liability. It might be time to have that hard conversation. Some things are fixable and some things are not, and that is okay.

Jessica Lundy: 13:06

I have relationships that I was so grateful that they were friends of mine in a specific season in my life. I have come to realize that every friendship is not a lifelong friendship, and that is totally fine, but I am grateful for the time that I have with them. So I want you to do that homework. You don't gotta share all of the names and whether it's an asset or a liability, but let me know if you decide to do this exercise. I promise you it will be life changing and it will be eye opening, because the people that you might be spending the most time to might be the biggest liabilities. I hope that's not true, but oftentimes when I do this exercise with people, that is what they tell me. So thank you for tuning in to another episode of the Finally Healed with Jessica Lundy podcast. If you have enjoyed the podcast, make sure that you subscribe, leave us a review and share this with your friends. Remember we've got this.